Tuesday, August 12, 2014


Robin Williams' death is hitting me hard. Because I have been struggling with anxiety and feelings of sadness and defeat for a while now, and my parents don't believe anything is wrong with me. I constantly hear all of the statements in this Buzzfeed post. I found last week with Sandy's death, that I've been holding my emotions back for the past few years, that it seems I'm not even sad about him on the outside. Seeing such a funny guy who loved making others laugh like Robin take his own life .. well, that really hit close to home. I find that I'm trying to please others and just don't know how to handle myself lately. While I'm grieving over Robin's death, I am glad that this has opened up an avenue for a public discussion on mental health issues. On the news tonight, they showed an interview with Robin from just a few months ago. The interviewer led in with "To talk about the causes of it-" and Robin interrupted her. He said something along the lines of - there really is no cause. It's just there. And sometimes there's a voice there telling you that you can't do something. For some people, they can ignore that voice, for for those of us who have depression, all it takes is that one voice to get us over the tipping point.

My mom turned to me after that news segment and asked, "Are you feeling better?" And I told her my eye is still hurting (pressure headache), and then she added, "No, I mean about your feelings of sadness." And I almost cried. So I had to walk away to charge my phone, and said that the feelings come and go. And although I was the one who avoided that talk just now, I'm glad she even asked me that. It is so, so hard to live with people who don't understand the state of my mental health. I wouldn't say I'm depressed, but others have told me otherwise. I know I get anxious over "stupid" things and get worked up "for no reason" at times. When I first told my mom about my feelings of sadness, she would constantly ask me why I was feeling that way. And like Robin said, sometimes there really is no reason. I wish I could ask for help, but honestly I do not like my doctor, and there is just SOMETHING holding me back. That social stigma? The fear of actually trying to open up about myself to another person on such a deep level again? Fear of having to go on drugs? Idk /: I am just glad that these conversations have been popping up all over the place. I'm sure that Robin Williams' death, though tragic, will not be in vain as it's opened up the way for people to really speak out about mental illnesses and how to deal with them.

Friday, August 1, 2014

My sweetest prince.

So much has happened lately. I am in graduate school, and it is kicking my butt since I've also got the part time job at the Disney Store still. And on top of that, my brother is also in school and working full time, so he rarely has the time to help me watch Sandy. We decided late last night that we are going to put him down - this morning, the vet confirmed an appointment for 11 AM PST tomorrow morning .. It is really hurting me inside to look at Sandy right now, but I know he'll be in a better place soon. I started working on a collage of pictures of my little guy and even wrote his little mini obituary statement as well to share with our family and friends. So far, no one knows about tomorrow's appointment outside of my immediate family. We didn't even tell my uncle about it because we want it to be a family moment, and I think people would understand that.

This is the collage I am going to post/send tomorrow morning afterwards, and the rough draft of the obituary I wrote. The photo is actually 4x3, but for some reason, Blogger is not uploading/displaying it correctly.

Good night, sweet prince.
October 15, 1998 – August 2, 2014
From a very young age, I remember pestering my parents to get me a dog. This resulted in owning fish, to which I responded, “Fish aren’t pets because you can’t pet them.” My parents and my oma even made fun of me, crawling around and barking like a dog because I wanted one so badly! Finally, I got this weird idea in my head (I really remember it was real!!!) that my parents promised I could get a dog when I turned 8! Well, my 8th birthday came and passed, and there was no dog. Finally, that Christmas, I went to the Humane Society of Santa Clara with my brother, dad, and grandpa, and we met Sandy! He was in a kennel with a litter of different dogs. They were all black and white with longer hair, and Sandy was alone. When we came closer, my grandpa put his hand against the cage, and I remember seeing that the other dogs would try to bite him, and Sandy came up to him and licked him. That was it – we knew which dog we wanted to take home. We went home that day as excited as we could be and could not wait until we could pick him up. Sandy was a hyper dog growing up, and loved to run (as in, he ran from out from the house several times to get us to chase him over the years). He was always a people-loving dog – maybe to the point where his love and curiosity scared other people. A few years ago, Sandy was diagnosed with arthritis in his hip bone, but that did not stop him from wanting to be with us wherever we were in the house, and it definitely has not put a damper on his desire to leave the house and explore the outside world on walks. Maybe my perception of this dog doesn’t match anyone else’s, but I know that he knew when I was hurting. He always had this desire to make people feel better, and I knew I always had a friend to listen to me and just to be with. So I am hurting, having to say goodbye to him now after almost 16 years growing up together. He has seen me grow up out of the various schools and uniforms; he traveled with us out of our old house; and he knows so many people dear to me. But I know that in my heart of hearts, he is going to be happier without all the pain and suffering he has gone through the past few years. And we will see each other again on the other side (: