Struggles.

Robin Williams' death is hitting me hard. Because I have been struggling with anxiety and feelings of sadness and defeat for a while now, and my parents don't believe anything is wrong with me. I constantly hear all of the statements in this Buzzfeed post. I found last week with Sandy's death, that I've been holding my emotions back for the past few years, that it seems I'm not even sad about him on the outside. Seeing such a funny guy who loved making others laugh like Robin take his own life .. well, that really hit close to home. I find that I'm trying to please others and just don't know how to handle myself lately. While I'm grieving over Robin's death, I am glad that this has opened up an avenue for a public discussion on mental health issues. On the news tonight, they showed an interview with Robin from just a few months ago. The interviewer led in with "To talk about the causes of it-" and Robin interrupted her. He said something along the lines of - there really is no cause. It's just there. And sometimes there's a voice there telling you that you can't do something. For some people, they can ignore that voice, for for those of us who have depression, all it takes is that one voice to get us over the tipping point.

My mom turned to me after that news segment and asked, "Are you feeling better?" And I told her my eye is still hurting (pressure headache), and then she added, "No, I mean about your feelings of sadness." And I almost cried. So I had to walk away to charge my phone, and said that the feelings come and go. And although I was the one who avoided that talk just now, I'm glad she even asked me that. It is so, so hard to live with people who don't understand the state of my mental health. I wouldn't say I'm depressed, but others have told me otherwise. I know I get anxious over "stupid" things and get worked up "for no reason" at times. When I first told my mom about my feelings of sadness, she would constantly ask me why I was feeling that way. And like Robin said, sometimes there really is no reason. I wish I could ask for help, but honestly I do not like my doctor, and there is just SOMETHING holding me back. That social stigma? The fear of actually trying to open up about myself to another person on such a deep level again? Fear of having to go on drugs? Idk /: I am just glad that these conversations have been popping up all over the place. I'm sure that Robin Williams' death, though tragic, will not be in vain as it's opened up the way for people to really speak out about mental illnesses and how to deal with them.

My sweetest prince.

So much has happened lately. I am in graduate school, and it is kicking my butt since I've also got the part time job at the Disney Store still. And on top of that, my brother is also in school and working full time, so he rarely has the time to help me watch Sandy. We decided late last night that we are going to put him down - this morning, the vet confirmed an appointment for 11 AM PST tomorrow morning .. It is really hurting me inside to look at Sandy right now, but I know he'll be in a better place soon. I started working on a collage of pictures of my little guy and even wrote his little mini obituary statement as well to share with our family and friends. So far, no one knows about tomorrow's appointment outside of my immediate family. We didn't even tell my uncle about it because we want it to be a family moment, and I think people would understand that.

This is the collage I am going to post/send tomorrow morning afterwards, and the rough draft of the obituary I wrote. The photo is actually 4x3, but for some reason, Blogger is not uploading/displaying it correctly.

Good night, sweet prince.

October 15, 1998 – August 2, 2014

From a very young age, I remember pestering my parents to get me a dog. This resulted in owning fish, to which I responded, “Fish aren’t pets because you can’t pet them.” My parents and my oma even made fun of me, crawling around and barking like a dog because I wanted one so badly! Finally, I got this weird idea in my head (I really remember it was real!!!) that my parents promised I could get a dog when I turned 8! Well, my 8^th birthday came and passed, and there was no dog. Finally, that Christmas, I went to the Humane Society of Santa Clara with my brother, dad, and grandpa, and we met Sandy! He was in a kennel with a litter of different dogs. They were all black and white with longer hair, and Sandy was alone. When we came closer, my grandpa put his hand against the cage, and I remember seeing that the other dogs would try to bite him, and Sandy came up to him and licked him. That was it – we knew which dog we wanted to take home. We went home that day as excited as we could be and could not wait until we could pick him up. Sandy was a hyper dog growing up, and loved to run (as in, he ran from out from the house several times to get us to chase him over the years). He was always a people-loving dog – maybe to the point where his love and curiosity scared other people. A few years ago, Sandy was diagnosed with arthritis in his hip bone, but that did not stop him from wanting to be with us wherever we were in the house, and it definitely has not put a damper on his desire to leave the house and explore the outside world on walks. Maybe my perception of this dog doesn’t match anyone else’s, but I know that he knew when I was hurting. He always had this desire to make people feel better, and I knew I always had a friend to listen to me and just to be with. So I am hurting, having to say goodbye to him now after almost 16 years growing up together. He has seen me grow up out of the various schools and uniforms; he traveled with us out of our old house; and he knows so many people dear to me. But I know that in my heart of hearts, he is going to be happier without all the pain and suffering he has gone through the past few years. And we will see each other again on the other side (:

It is so hard when ..

The people you are closest to have no idea what you have to go through mentally to get through each day. They think I'm over-reacting. They say to "cheer up" as if I could do it in a beat. I can't even get help from my own doctor /le sigh. Oh, and the fact that people have been able to keep secrets from me, and therefore keep me out of their lives .. Yeah. That actually hurts.

THANK YOU, NEKO-CHAN!

I received an early birthday gift from over the pond today from my sweet, sweet friend Neko! 

First of all, look at this AMAZING BOX. LOOK AT THE DUCT TAPE!! AHHHHH!! Too awesome! I almost didn't want to open it! 

And here's what's inside! AHH!! Too many cute things :3 Even the wrapping paper Neko used is super adorable! I almost felt bad opening everything ... but then I was too excited not to do it right away, lol. Look at that Rarity! *squeals* Also as soon as I opened the box, I could smell lavender! :) 

And then I opened THE CARD. IT IS A GIRAFFE. ON A SPARKLY BACKGROUND! I MEAN, just LOOK at it!! D: I am definitely going to be displaying this card on my wall above my desk. For people who don't know yet, giraffes are my favorite animals :) And this card is just fabulous! I still have all my cards and letters from like middle school. I am going to need to make more space for them soon!

Now we come to this cutie pencil case/makeup case! :) I LOVE Little Twin Stars! I can't wait to use it :) It even has snaps in the backside so you can fold it over and keep it that way to have two little pouches! :D Ahaha it's too cute! Where do you find this stuff?! :3 

Yay Hello Kitty stuff :3 I still haven't opened the small memo pad, but I love the cutie design on the front cover already hehe! And!!! Those two little phone charms! D: THEIR EXPRESSIONS CHANGE! I haven't seen these before! But they're sooooo cute! You push the star button on a HK's tummy and it flips the head around for a new expression :) Love them!

Yay Rarity! :D One of my fave ponies! Now she can stay with my Rainbow Dash from Neko, too ^-^ Isn't she just the sweetest? (Neko, I mean haha)

I have a new pretty journal! :D Love the colors and print of this one! Will definitely be using this after the one I'm using now ^^

Okay, next I opened up another wrapped package and THIS was inside!! A super cute strawberry tumbler which I'm going to be using like ALL THE TIME now!! Plus some nice trims and ribbons! :3 Neko finds the cutest things! :D AND THAT CHESHIRE CAT PIN!!! It's going to go with the rest of my Alice in Wonderland pins ^__^ I can't believe she sent this to me ahh!! 

And this is what's behind the Cheshire Cat pin! :) It's sooooo cute! I used to love brown and pink together! It was like MY color pairing! :) The pillow inside, too! Just too cute! Neko, you are so talented, really! I can't even imagine how you made this O__O lol! 

A sticker book was what I opened next! This thing is seriously just FULL of stickers O______O!!!!!!! I don't think I've had a sticker book this big before!! I'm going to be sticking these everywhere .. beware, friends and family :P 

AND THEN THIS!!! THIS THIS THIS! ^^^^^^ This amazing little fox purse! Neko was soooo sneaky asking me about which colors I liked best, hehe!! I still can't believe she got this for me ;3; Neko, you are too sweet, really! I can't wait to wear this! And the Little Twin Stars pouch fits in there, too! So it's perfect! 

This was all such a thoughtful gift! :) I loved every single thing that you sent me! You know me better than a most people hehe! Thank you for always sending me the best gifts! I absolutely love opening your packages from the beautiful wrapping to the handpicked gifts ^__^ I am so, so happy that we are friends! I seriously consider you my best friend, and I'm so glad that we started talking! :) Thank you so, so much for always thinking of me and being such a great friend *hugs* 

Nightmares in a bottle

Ryo got some pants! We received a pretty nice package of clothes from Alice's Collections a while back, and I love them all. I have to say, I will definitely be buying from her again. She was amazing with communication, and was quick to replace and item that she could not supply. I just need more money, hehe. And the boy needs a faceup, too ... Still working on that. 

Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! :D I actually have no plans on Friday, and I haven't been able to find anyone to have lunch with, either, lol! I must admit, I love Valentine's Day because it's a chance to show people that you love them. And even though there are people who say that we don't need an established holiday to do so, sometimes we get caught up in our work, school, business that we forget to show that appreciation.

Ryo came here over a month ago, but still has no faceup or pants, teehee! I do have a few shirts for him, but I can't take any shots of him above his waist! Or straight into his face either, lol. Would be nice to be able to get his faceup soon, since I do actually have pants being made for him right now. And below is a photo of Yuuki's two familiars Xyrnne and Xrethal in their creature forms. Definitely need to get Xyrnne's faceup done as well. In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have ordered fullset Rin and instead focused on my current plans. Oops! Well, Rin is supposed to play the humanoid form of Xyrnne. Now I just need to find a corresponding Xrethal :)

I've been so busy with trying to study that I've lost focus these past couple of nights. I've been feeling a little bit disheartened by my results in both the verbal and quantitative (math) portions, and I haven't even touched essays yet. *sigh* I will still obviously take the test and all. And next, I have to figure out what schools I'm actually going to apply to, who to ask for recommendations, and how to start on my personal statement! It's a lot to think of, but I know graduate school is something I want to do now. I just have to *get there*.

To relax, I made some chocolate-dipped pretzels. I was supposed to make these for Christmas, but got too busy with the crazy work schedule. Sophie said they look like giant pocky, haha! :) 

UGH

Lately, I've been feeling so CONFUSED and lost and cynical and ANGRY at the world. As of February 14th, I will have been out of school for 8 months with nothing to show for it.

I'm just getting pressure from EVERYWHERE. My mom, bless her, is always trying to "help" me by sending me links to job postings. The thing is, she's an engineer and I'm a biologist, so our lingo doesn't always match up. I know she is trying to help, but I just can't qualify for more than 85% of the jobs either of us find because I ONLY have a B.S. ONLY HAVE A B.S. I would never have thought that would be a problem.

Honestly, I dread meeting up with people I haven't seen in a long time (which happens often enough since we moved to a new church and have had to play "catch up" with everyone who used to be our friends) because I'll have to explain that a). I did graduate from college already with a B.S. in Biology and minor in Biotechnology, and b). I'm actually not working in a biotechnology/pharmaceutical/research company or putting my degree to use at the moment. My mom says it with hushed tones, "she works at a store right now." I know she isn't doing it on purpose, but it just makes it seem like such a bad thing to be doing.

Here's another problem: my GPA is TOO LOW because I had a horrendous teacher that just really didn't want to give me that chance because he had favorites in his classes. Another problem: I realized that while I was taking his classes that I HATED the lab setting - the fact that everyone was only looking out for his or herself, and that everything was ridiculously political, and that no matter what I did, I could never compare to that one person who was top of the class. That teacher would ALWAYS have his idea of the type of student I was, and there was nothing I could do to alter that vision. He was the one that made me cry (in college, yes, and in front of the class). I was going through troubling things at home - parents wanted to get a divorce (they didn't and are doing well to this day), and I asked if I could talk to him about it. He never replied to me or helped ease my pain when everyone could so obviously see the tears rolling down my hot face. It reminded me of my middle school days, which also bring up all sorts of other issues like bullying. Not cool to be bullied by a teacher, really.

It wasn't just in school - I saw it during my internships as well; that elitist attitude and the fact that I had to watch for my back all the time. It was not fun. So I have a horrid feeling about ending up in research basically.

On top of that, I have decided I don't like working in a lab because I don't get to interact with strangers. I believe that we are put in different places throughout our lives for specific reasons - we may not see it right away, but sometimes it is clear. God has put me in places where I've been surrounded by children and the parents that come with them. In Kids Club, in church, in the Disney Store - I have realized that I LOVE interacting with strangers - young and old alike. And there is no way I can do that in a research lab ...

So I MAY (key word = may) look into getting yet ANOTHER degree (yeah, I know!) in Public Health Sciences! My brother suggested an M.S. and I found some online programs :) That way, I can still use my passion for biology AND pair it up with two other passions of mine: interacting with and making people smile + helping people. It's like a win-win-win. BUT, it is just so stressful to even think about going back to school.

But seriously, I have been changing my mind/making up my mind on professions every day this last week. I have in the past few days alone, thought about real estate, dog grooming, going back to school for an M.S., going back to school for another B.S., just finding a job in retail and work up in the sales department/become a store manager, and contacting every single person I know who can possibly help me just get a job with the B.S. I do have (lab or research assistant jobs, basically).

I have been getting so stressed out that pimples have started forming on my face (haven't had pimples in who knows how many months now), I've gotten migraines (which I thought I was pretty good at avoiding!), and I've been scratching my legs and arms and stomach and shoulder and arms and everywhere else that has skin on my body until I'm bleeding, which luckily is easily hidden under my winter clothes. I do hurt myself quite a bit when I'm stressed out, though not in the traditional way and quite unconsciously.

My brother and his girlfriend, on top of things, are always here every single weekend since she transferred to this city for college. And they just began their relationship in October of last year, so everything is super giggly and cutesy with them. And then in the midst of it all, my relationship is kinda non existent at times. So maybe I'm just jealous that my brother actually comes to me to ask advice for birthday gifts for his girlfriend, or if such-and-such restaurant would be a nice place and if he should get a dinner reservation for her birthday night. Yep, definitely jealous.

I just feel like I'm not doing ANYTHING right. And that I have wasted the last 5 years working towards a degree I'm not even using. And I feel like I've disappointed my parents. I know I shouldn't compare myself to my brother, but he got a job right out of school, and it's just depressing that I work at the mall. I was supposed to be doing great things (this sounds like any post-college kid's rant, really) by now, but things just didn't go to plan. I know in the great scheme of things, that everything will work out and I will figure out a place where I can feel like myself and enjoy what I do. But for now, it is just stress, stress and stress.

Oops! It's almost February!

It's already the end of this month, I can't believe it :X I feel like the days are getting shorter. Am I getting old? I feel like I'm running out of time to find a job. Last year, I wouldn't have thought that I'd still be jobless in 2014! :( I know I'm not a failure, but it's hard to believe it when my parents are constantly asking me how the job search is going, or how many job listings I applied to, or if I called so-and-so to try to network. *le sigh*

In the meantime, I have started pin collecting. It wasn't a good idea, I tell ya x'D Below is what  my board looks like as of today. I still have more coming in the mail <___<;;

New Dolly Alert!

I didn't think it would actually happen, but I'd been dreaming about turning my whole story character troupe into dolls! It was fun thinking of Xyrnne's character (one of Yuuki's familiars) especially because she's this bubbly little foxy lady who just strikes me as colorful and adventurous, but innocent. I even looked for rainbow wigs for her, beautiful magenta eyes, etc. and got a fox version of her (a white Penny from Aileendoll). And I was content with having her in familiar form (read: as a fox) until ...

And I was sold! I NEEDED her desperately. And by chance, I was able to put her on layaway at Denver Doll. So I suppose we might be getting a human doll versions of Xyrnne after all! And this is a reminder to myself - I need to make a character chart with some doodles so I can just reference said chart instead of spelling out character relationships each time I mention someone. 

Happy new year!

This holiday, I've been busy going out every day because my cousin is visiting from Nebraska. Well, he's from Thailand and is going to school in Nebraska, if that makes any differences. We've never met him before, but I have to say that he's my favorite of my cousins! He's so much like myself and my brother as opposed to all our other cousins to whom I cannot relate. I am sad that he's leaving us already this coming Monday! He and his friend arrived Christmas day and I've been busy doing all sorts of things since then. This past Christmas was great, just another quiet day for the most part.

On top of other things,  my parents completely surprised me with a new laptop, which I am using to type up this blog entry :) His name is Tyreke Tyrone Toblerone - or Ty for short. I have to admit, I'm still not exactly used to this laptop yet with its different keyboard, touchpad, and most of all, Windows 8. I do have a Surface tablet, so I had some experience with it, but I really did not think it would be the same on a pc! For now, my old laptop is still functional - it was just dying in so many physical ways (though it has a new 1 TB harddrive just installed earlier this spring!). So I have two working computers :) 

I am not the type to stick to New Years' resolutions, so I never really bother with them. But this year, I want to do a little 365 project once again. I felt so accomplished when I did the pic-a-day challenge back in 2012. This year, it'll be a bit different, though. With all the negativity I've found in my life, I decided I would do a happiness project. Every night before bed, I'm going to write down a little blessing or happy thought from that day. On the bad days, I can go back to my pile of notes and pull things out to see that 1. there is always something to be thankful for, and 2. both big and small things are capable of making me feel happy. And although joy is completely different from happiness, I think this little thing will help me change my outlook.

My first entry involved this photo I took while hiking in Muir Woods:

There is so much beauty in nature. And I never realized it, but each individual petal of a clover looks like a heart! And in the field of green, all clovers with just one leaf were yellow and stood out like crazy! I just felt so giddy when I saw these all over the woods!

And today, I got my Minifee Luka after months of waiting :) I was scared that his skintone would be a bit too dark (after looking at others' pictures of tan minifees), but I think it is such a gorgeous color! I am so glad I was able to get a tan order in at the last second :) I am still waiting on his eyes to arrive. I also have NO boys clothes at all, haha. Poor thing! Now I really have to put aside money to get his faceup done! :X I also got his sleeping head, so that's a lot of $$$! Sorry for the super horrid after-dark iphone photo!

I hope I can share more moments here as the year progresses! For now, I wish you all a very happy new year!