Nightmares in a bottle

Ryo got some pants! We received a pretty nice package of clothes from Alice's Collections a while back, and I love them all. I have to say, I will definitely be buying from her again. She was amazing with communication, and was quick to replace and item that she could not supply. I just need more money, hehe. And the boy needs a faceup, too ... Still working on that. 

Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! :D I actually have no plans on Friday, and I haven't been able to find anyone to have lunch with, either, lol! I must admit, I love Valentine's Day because it's a chance to show people that you love them. And even though there are people who say that we don't need an established holiday to do so, sometimes we get caught up in our work, school, business that we forget to show that appreciation.

Ryo came here over a month ago, but still has no faceup or pants, teehee! I do have a few shirts for him, but I can't take any shots of him above his waist! Or straight into his face either, lol. Would be nice to be able to get his faceup soon, since I do actually have pants being made for him right now. And below is a photo of Yuuki's two familiars Xyrnne and Xrethal in their creature forms. Definitely need to get Xyrnne's faceup done as well. In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have ordered fullset Rin and instead focused on my current plans. Oops! Well, Rin is supposed to play the humanoid form of Xyrnne. Now I just need to find a corresponding Xrethal :)

I've been so busy with trying to study that I've lost focus these past couple of nights. I've been feeling a little bit disheartened by my results in both the verbal and quantitative (math) portions, and I haven't even touched essays yet. *sigh* I will still obviously take the test and all. And next, I have to figure out what schools I'm actually going to apply to, who to ask for recommendations, and how to start on my personal statement! It's a lot to think of, but I know graduate school is something I want to do now. I just have to *get there*.

To relax, I made some chocolate-dipped pretzels. I was supposed to make these for Christmas, but got too busy with the crazy work schedule. Sophie said they look like giant pocky, haha! :) 

UGH

Lately, I've been feeling so CONFUSED and lost and cynical and ANGRY at the world. As of February 14th, I will have been out of school for 8 months with nothing to show for it.

I'm just getting pressure from EVERYWHERE. My mom, bless her, is always trying to "help" me by sending me links to job postings. The thing is, she's an engineer and I'm a biologist, so our lingo doesn't always match up. I know she is trying to help, but I just can't qualify for more than 85% of the jobs either of us find because I ONLY have a B.S. ONLY HAVE A B.S. I would never have thought that would be a problem.

Honestly, I dread meeting up with people I haven't seen in a long time (which happens often enough since we moved to a new church and have had to play "catch up" with everyone who used to be our friends) because I'll have to explain that a). I did graduate from college already with a B.S. in Biology and minor in Biotechnology, and b). I'm actually not working in a biotechnology/pharmaceutical/research company or putting my degree to use at the moment. My mom says it with hushed tones, "she works at a store right now." I know she isn't doing it on purpose, but it just makes it seem like such a bad thing to be doing.

Here's another problem: my GPA is TOO LOW because I had a horrendous teacher that just really didn't want to give me that chance because he had favorites in his classes. Another problem: I realized that while I was taking his classes that I HATED the lab setting - the fact that everyone was only looking out for his or herself, and that everything was ridiculously political, and that no matter what I did, I could never compare to that one person who was top of the class. That teacher would ALWAYS have his idea of the type of student I was, and there was nothing I could do to alter that vision. He was the one that made me cry (in college, yes, and in front of the class). I was going through troubling things at home - parents wanted to get a divorce (they didn't and are doing well to this day), and I asked if I could talk to him about it. He never replied to me or helped ease my pain when everyone could so obviously see the tears rolling down my hot face. It reminded me of my middle school days, which also bring up all sorts of other issues like bullying. Not cool to be bullied by a teacher, really.

It wasn't just in school - I saw it during my internships as well; that elitist attitude and the fact that I had to watch for my back all the time. It was not fun. So I have a horrid feeling about ending up in research basically.

On top of that, I have decided I don't like working in a lab because I don't get to interact with strangers. I believe that we are put in different places throughout our lives for specific reasons - we may not see it right away, but sometimes it is clear. God has put me in places where I've been surrounded by children and the parents that come with them. In Kids Club, in church, in the Disney Store - I have realized that I LOVE interacting with strangers - young and old alike. And there is no way I can do that in a research lab ...

So I MAY (key word = may) look into getting yet ANOTHER degree (yeah, I know!) in Public Health Sciences! My brother suggested an M.S. and I found some online programs :) That way, I can still use my passion for biology AND pair it up with two other passions of mine: interacting with and making people smile + helping people. It's like a win-win-win. BUT, it is just so stressful to even think about going back to school.

But seriously, I have been changing my mind/making up my mind on professions every day this last week. I have in the past few days alone, thought about real estate, dog grooming, going back to school for an M.S., going back to school for another B.S., just finding a job in retail and work up in the sales department/become a store manager, and contacting every single person I know who can possibly help me just get a job with the B.S. I do have (lab or research assistant jobs, basically).

I have been getting so stressed out that pimples have started forming on my face (haven't had pimples in who knows how many months now), I've gotten migraines (which I thought I was pretty good at avoiding!), and I've been scratching my legs and arms and stomach and shoulder and arms and everywhere else that has skin on my body until I'm bleeding, which luckily is easily hidden under my winter clothes. I do hurt myself quite a bit when I'm stressed out, though not in the traditional way and quite unconsciously.

My brother and his girlfriend, on top of things, are always here every single weekend since she transferred to this city for college. And they just began their relationship in October of last year, so everything is super giggly and cutesy with them. And then in the midst of it all, my relationship is kinda non existent at times. So maybe I'm just jealous that my brother actually comes to me to ask advice for birthday gifts for his girlfriend, or if such-and-such restaurant would be a nice place and if he should get a dinner reservation for her birthday night. Yep, definitely jealous.

I just feel like I'm not doing ANYTHING right. And that I have wasted the last 5 years working towards a degree I'm not even using. And I feel like I've disappointed my parents. I know I shouldn't compare myself to my brother, but he got a job right out of school, and it's just depressing that I work at the mall. I was supposed to be doing great things (this sounds like any post-college kid's rant, really) by now, but things just didn't go to plan. I know in the great scheme of things, that everything will work out and I will figure out a place where I can feel like myself and enjoy what I do. But for now, it is just stress, stress and stress.

Oops! It's almost February!

It's already the end of this month, I can't believe it :X I feel like the days are getting shorter. Am I getting old? I feel like I'm running out of time to find a job. Last year, I wouldn't have thought that I'd still be jobless in 2014! :( I know I'm not a failure, but it's hard to believe it when my parents are constantly asking me how the job search is going, or how many job listings I applied to, or if I called so-and-so to try to network. *le sigh*

In the meantime, I have started pin collecting. It wasn't a good idea, I tell ya x'D Below is what  my board looks like as of today. I still have more coming in the mail <___<;;

New Dolly Alert!

I didn't think it would actually happen, but I'd been dreaming about turning my whole story character troupe into dolls! It was fun thinking of Xyrnne's character (one of Yuuki's familiars) especially because she's this bubbly little foxy lady who just strikes me as colorful and adventurous, but innocent. I even looked for rainbow wigs for her, beautiful magenta eyes, etc. and got a fox version of her (a white Penny from Aileendoll). And I was content with having her in familiar form (read: as a fox) until ...

And I was sold! I NEEDED her desperately. And by chance, I was able to put her on layaway at Denver Doll. So I suppose we might be getting a human doll versions of Xyrnne after all! And this is a reminder to myself - I need to make a character chart with some doodles so I can just reference said chart instead of spelling out character relationships each time I mention someone. 

Happy new year!

This holiday, I've been busy going out every day because my cousin is visiting from Nebraska. Well, he's from Thailand and is going to school in Nebraska, if that makes any differences. We've never met him before, but I have to say that he's my favorite of my cousins! He's so much like myself and my brother as opposed to all our other cousins to whom I cannot relate. I am sad that he's leaving us already this coming Monday! He and his friend arrived Christmas day and I've been busy doing all sorts of things since then. This past Christmas was great, just another quiet day for the most part.

On top of other things,  my parents completely surprised me with a new laptop, which I am using to type up this blog entry :) His name is Tyreke Tyrone Toblerone - or Ty for short. I have to admit, I'm still not exactly used to this laptop yet with its different keyboard, touchpad, and most of all, Windows 8. I do have a Surface tablet, so I had some experience with it, but I really did not think it would be the same on a pc! For now, my old laptop is still functional - it was just dying in so many physical ways (though it has a new 1 TB harddrive just installed earlier this spring!). So I have two working computers :) 

I am not the type to stick to New Years' resolutions, so I never really bother with them. But this year, I want to do a little 365 project once again. I felt so accomplished when I did the pic-a-day challenge back in 2012. This year, it'll be a bit different, though. With all the negativity I've found in my life, I decided I would do a happiness project. Every night before bed, I'm going to write down a little blessing or happy thought from that day. On the bad days, I can go back to my pile of notes and pull things out to see that 1. there is always something to be thankful for, and 2. both big and small things are capable of making me feel happy. And although joy is completely different from happiness, I think this little thing will help me change my outlook.

My first entry involved this photo I took while hiking in Muir Woods:

There is so much beauty in nature. And I never realized it, but each individual petal of a clover looks like a heart! And in the field of green, all clovers with just one leaf were yellow and stood out like crazy! I just felt so giddy when I saw these all over the woods!

And today, I got my Minifee Luka after months of waiting :) I was scared that his skintone would be a bit too dark (after looking at others' pictures of tan minifees), but I think it is such a gorgeous color! I am so glad I was able to get a tan order in at the last second :) I am still waiting on his eyes to arrive. I also have NO boys clothes at all, haha. Poor thing! Now I really have to put aside money to get his faceup done! :X I also got his sleeping head, so that's a lot of $$$! Sorry for the super horrid after-dark iphone photo!

I hope I can share more moments here as the year progresses! For now, I wish you all a very happy new year!

HNNNGGG

I died! CANNOT WAIT!

Also this reminded me that I still need to finish re-reading The Hobbit. Did I even read this in middle school? Why do I not remember anything?!

Lovely Queen Elsa

My Disney Store exclusive Anna and Elsa dolls arrived yesterday!

Number 1492/2500

I absolutely love Elsa! Ice has always been my element, so when Disney announced the release of Frozen, I was over the moon excited! I was able to get both the limited Elsa and Anna dolls through the online orders! Luck was definitely on my side :) I am so in love with this lovely lady ♥ For those of you who haven't watched Frozen yet, I urge you to go! If I could take everyone with me to see it again, I would!

I need to take pictures of Anna as well. Probably not til next week. I need more light! :X

Apparently ...

Apparently, my having anxiety is just another little thing to brush off to the side. I doubt that most other people in the world have thoughts of death to end the pain associated with anxiety. Not that I would ever think of killing myself, but sometimes it just hurts that much. Like I don't want to exist anymore. And after years of talking every day I had thought that that person would be able to understand it. But I guess if that person don't suffer from the same pain, headaches, worry, etc., it doesn't make sense to that person. It's hard explaining what I go through - panic attacks and feeling like the universe is closing in on you. I know I'm not alone, and I'm so glad to find people who suffer in the same way I do because it makes it that much easier. But please, don't ever tell me "oh, everyone goes through the same thing," because I can confidently tell you that not everyone has it as bad as we do. And I am okay with knowing that my anxiety still is under control when I hear others' stories about their episodes. Makes me wish there was an easy fix to all of this so that we wouldn't all have to put up with it by ourselves! It's hard knowing that the person I lean on will never fully understand what I go through on a daily basis.

Don't know

My sister got engaged this Monday! Woo!

Also, I hit the 50k word mark in NaNoWriMo on Tuesday (only because I was crazily distracted when my sister got engaged!! I wanted to finish by Monday!).

Yuuki's familiars should be shipping out this weekend? Idk if Aileen Doll will remember to add my Penny to my order. I guess if not, I can just go crazy on them on their Q&A. I mean, we've only sent correspondence every week for the past three weeks. No big deal or anything!!!!!

I also finally got a shipping confirmation email for these two beauties! I hope hope HOPE that I will be able to pick them up on Wednesday. Fingers crossed for that! I will be way too busy to pick them up on Friday. Well, not busy. I have to work from 8-4:30 so there's no way I will be able to do that lol. I guess I could always just let them get delivered to the house, but I'm a bit scared, even with my family possibly staying home all day!

And that has been my random update!