Struggles.

Robin Williams' death is hitting me hard. Because I have been struggling with anxiety and feelings of sadness and defeat for a while now, and my parents don't believe anything is wrong with me. I constantly hear all of the statements in this Buzzfeed post. I found last week with Sandy's death, that I've been holding my emotions back for the past few years, that it seems I'm not even sad about him on the outside. Seeing such a funny guy who loved making others laugh like Robin take his own life .. well, that really hit close to home. I find that I'm trying to please others and just don't know how to handle myself lately. While I'm grieving over Robin's death, I am glad that this has opened up an avenue for a public discussion on mental health issues. On the news tonight, they showed an interview with Robin from just a few months ago. The interviewer led in with "To talk about the causes of it-" and Robin interrupted her. He said something along the lines of - there really is no cause. It's just there. And sometimes there's a voice there telling you that you can't do something. For some people, they can ignore that voice, for for those of us who have depression, all it takes is that one voice to get us over the tipping point.

My mom turned to me after that news segment and asked, "Are you feeling better?" And I told her my eye is still hurting (pressure headache), and then she added, "No, I mean about your feelings of sadness." And I almost cried. So I had to walk away to charge my phone, and said that the feelings come and go. And although I was the one who avoided that talk just now, I'm glad she even asked me that. It is so, so hard to live with people who don't understand the state of my mental health. I wouldn't say I'm depressed, but others have told me otherwise. I know I get anxious over "stupid" things and get worked up "for no reason" at times. When I first told my mom about my feelings of sadness, she would constantly ask me why I was feeling that way. And like Robin said, sometimes there really is no reason. I wish I could ask for help, but honestly I do not like my doctor, and there is just SOMETHING holding me back. That social stigma? The fear of actually trying to open up about myself to another person on such a deep level again? Fear of having to go on drugs? Idk /: I am just glad that these conversations have been popping up all over the place. I'm sure that Robin Williams' death, though tragic, will not be in vain as it's opened up the way for people to really speak out about mental illnesses and how to deal with them.