Sunday, February 2, 2014


Lately, I've been feeling so CONFUSED and lost and cynical and ANGRY at the world. As of February 14th, I will have been out of school for 8 months with nothing to show for it.

I'm just getting pressure from EVERYWHERE. My mom, bless her, is always trying to "help" me by sending me links to job postings. The thing is, she's an engineer and I'm a biologist, so our lingo doesn't always match up. I know she is trying to help, but I just can't qualify for more than 85% of the jobs either of us find because I ONLY have a B.S. ONLY HAVE A B.S. I would never have thought that would be a problem.

Honestly, I dread meeting up with people I haven't seen in a long time (which happens often enough since we moved to a new church and have had to play "catch up" with everyone who used to be our friends) because I'll have to explain that a). I did graduate from college already with a B.S. in Biology and minor in Biotechnology, and b). I'm actually not working in a biotechnology/pharmaceutical/research company or putting my degree to use at the moment. My mom says it with hushed tones, "she works at a store right now." I know she isn't doing it on purpose, but it just makes it seem like such a bad thing to be doing.

Here's another problem: my GPA is TOO LOW because I had a horrendous teacher that just really didn't want to give me that chance because he had favorites in his classes. Another problem: I realized that while I was taking his classes that I HATED the lab setting - the fact that everyone was only looking out for his or herself, and that everything was ridiculously political, and that no matter what I did, I could never compare to that one person who was top of the class. That teacher would ALWAYS have his idea of the type of student I was, and there was nothing I could do to alter that vision. He was the one that made me cry (in college, yes, and in front of the class). I was going through troubling things at home - parents wanted to get a divorce (they didn't and are doing well to this day), and I asked if I could talk to him about it. He never replied to me or helped ease my pain when everyone could so obviously see the tears rolling down my hot face. It reminded me of my middle school days, which also bring up all sorts of other issues like bullying. Not cool to be bullied by a teacher, really.

It wasn't just in school - I saw it during my internships as well; that elitist attitude and the fact that I had to watch for my back all the time. It was not fun. So I have a horrid feeling about ending up in research basically.

On top of that, I have decided I don't like working in a lab because I don't get to interact with strangers. I believe that we are put in different places throughout our lives for specific reasons - we may not see it right away, but sometimes it is clear. God has put me in places where I've been surrounded by children and the parents that come with them. In Kids Club, in church, in the Disney Store - I have realized that I LOVE interacting with strangers - young and old alike. And there is no way I can do that in a research lab ...

So I MAY (key word = may) look into getting yet ANOTHER degree (yeah, I know!) in Public Health Sciences! My brother suggested an M.S. and I found some online programs :) That way, I can still use my passion for biology AND pair it up with two other passions of mine: interacting with and making people smile + helping people. It's like a win-win-win. BUT, it is just so stressful to even think about going back to school.

But seriously, I have been changing my mind/making up my mind on professions every day this last week. I have in the past few days alone, thought about real estate, dog grooming, going back to school for an M.S., going back to school for another B.S., just finding a job in retail and work up in the sales department/become a store manager, and contacting every single person I know who can possibly help me just get a job with the B.S. I do have (lab or research assistant jobs, basically).

I have been getting so stressed out that pimples have started forming on my face (haven't had pimples in who knows how many months now), I've gotten migraines (which I thought I was pretty good at avoiding!), and I've been scratching my legs and arms and stomach and shoulder and arms and everywhere else that has skin on my body until I'm bleeding, which luckily is easily hidden under my winter clothes. I do hurt myself quite a bit when I'm stressed out, though not in the traditional way and quite unconsciously.

My brother and his girlfriend, on top of things, are always here every single weekend since she transferred to this city for college. And they just began their relationship in October of last year, so everything is super giggly and cutesy with them. And then in the midst of it all, my relationship is kinda non existent at times. So maybe I'm just jealous that my brother actually comes to me to ask advice for birthday gifts for his girlfriend, or if such-and-such restaurant would be a nice place and if he should get a dinner reservation for her birthday night. Yep, definitely jealous.

I just feel like I'm not doing ANYTHING right. And that I have wasted the last 5 years working towards a degree I'm not even using. And I feel like I've disappointed my parents. I know I shouldn't compare myself to my brother, but he got a job right out of school, and it's just depressing that I work at the mall. I was supposed to be doing great things (this sounds like any post-college kid's rant, really) by now, but things just didn't go to plan. I know in the great scheme of things, that everything will work out and I will figure out a place where I can feel like myself and enjoy what I do. But for now, it is just stress, stress and stress.


  1. oh Amanda, please accept this long distance hug! *hugs*

    it's a super difficult time right now for jobs, so even though it feels like an eternity to you I promise you shouldn't panic <3 of course, if you want to go back to school you totally should!

    I know this time last year I was having the exact same feelings, I was also working in a shop and not using my degree and felt useless and awful. I might even be back there next year when I finish my postgrad stuff and end up equally unemployed but doubly qualified! I find what keeps me sane is really throwing myself into my hobbies, I hope you can figure out a way to feel a bit less like flipping tables!

    big hugs again xx

    1. Aliiiiccce :)) You're the best, really!

      I apologize for taking my sweet time to reply to your comment! But it really did lift my spirits to hear that. It is just so hard seeing my brother be as successful as he is right now. I am totally working my butt of so I can take the national tests and actually apply for grad school. Which is a challenge in itself, to be honest, lol!

      Thank you so much for your sweet thoughts *hugs*