Sunday, October 28, 2012

I laugh it off, but it really hurts inside.


The other day, I told Justin I wanted to die. He didn't really respond, so I guess he didn't really understand what I meant. Maybe it was my fault trying to unload my feelings on a boy :P

I really do feel like such a failure, though. I'm in the biology program at my school, and although it shouldn't be this hard, I'm struggling in every class. I love biology - I LOVE learning all the different parts that make the world work. I love being able to explain phenomena around me. But apparently, I'm not good at showcasing this knowledge on tests /: I've been planning on applying for the Biotechnology minor (I've actually been telling people I'm minoring in biotech already ..). One of the requirements was an internship, and I NAILED that part. Last summer, I was at Genentech working in the clean rooms in large scale production. This summer, I landed an internship at Merck working with antibodies and their effects on CHO cells. I feel like I have more lab experience than most of my peers ..

The only problem is I don't have the grades. I need a 2.0 average in the required Biotechnology classes (12 out of the many options - I had to take almost all of them for my Biology degree anyways). I got a D in ochem. The WORST grade I have ever gotten, and in such a critical class, too! I also have some C-s and currently, my GPA is just under a 2.0 in those classes /: So, even though I already did what people consider the hard part - the internship - I still may not be able to get the minor because of my grades.

I have never felt so unhappy in my life as I did these past three years. Although that's how long I've known Justin, I would be lying if I said things were just amazing in my life. He's a great aspect of my life, but even he isn't enough to deter my negative feelings. I just have been going downhill and getting worse in everything - school, taming my emotions, keeping friends, controlling my weight, etc. I just wish that there was an easy remedy for this negativity, but I'm always finding myself in a rut every now and then! I don't really know what I'm doing wrong .. I don't feel like I've been doing anything differently, although my environment has changed (I was at my "prime" in high school where I served on the ministry teams). I just wish I could be happy again ):

Sorry for the negative post, everyone. I just had to let it out /:


  1. Big big hugs Amanda! <3

    It's terrible that you're feeling so awful, but I find it comforting in a weird way that you are, if that's not really horrible of me? I think you're a really cool person with a really cool life from what I see of you - and I guess I feel less rubbish to know that you feel as bad as I do, sometimes. It's easy to see a polished version of someone's life over the internet and feel like you're just failing and no one else is struggling, and I think it's important for us to share these things, in a way. So we know we're not the only person not living our perfect life! No one is.

    Sometimes over the past 4 years when I've felt terrible about things -and justifiably so - people have been like "but at least you've got someone", which frustrates me because while a good partner can make that one aspect of your life awesome, the rest doesn't fall into place automatically, and I think a lot of people act like it does. It doesn't. >_<

    Grades suck. Grades don't actually demonstrate very much at all. During my last year at uni, during something I honestly truly LOVED, I got a lot of really bad grades. When I knew my stuff! It's frustrating. It's BEYOND frustrating - it's demoralising and horrible. Try not to let that get in the way of how much you love Biology! <3 I believe in you! I know you can do it :)

    If you ever need to vent, you know where you can find me! For the record: you're a lovely person and I know that ultimately, you will win at life because you are awesome :) xxx

    1. <333 Thank you for your awesome comment, Alice! I wasn't expecting anyone to actually read this whole thing lol. I definitely know what you mean about the polished version of someone's life online. I'm glad that other people can relate to me as well.

      I hate when people tell me that I at least have a boyfriend! That doesn't mean anything! xD All this started at the saaammmeee time I got a bf, so obviously, that didn't deter all the negative feelings! :P

      When I was doing my internships over the past summers, no one ever asked me what my GPA was. Only HR needed to know my GPA, but even then I still got accepted even though I didn't have that 4.0 or whatever it is that you "need" to get a job these days! I just wish I didn't have these bad grades so that I could get my minor ): It's still possible, but I'd have to shoot for B- and above from now on (lol, this is what college does for us - it's great to just get above a C!). I'll try not to let that get in the way! I really did enjoy my time in the labs and although I'm apparently not the best test taker, I know I enjoy it more than many other people (:

      Thank you, my dearest friend <3 That was muchhhh needed reassurance! *hugs x 1000000*