Sunday, October 28, 2012
I laugh it off, but it really hurts inside.
The other day, I told Justin I wanted to die. He didn't really respond, so I guess he didn't really understand what I meant. Maybe it was my fault trying to unload my feelings on a boy :P
I really do feel like such a failure, though. I'm in the biology program at my school, and although it shouldn't be this hard, I'm struggling in every class. I love biology - I LOVE learning all the different parts that make the world work. I love being able to explain phenomena around me. But apparently, I'm not good at showcasing this knowledge on tests /: I've been planning on applying for the Biotechnology minor (I've actually been telling people I'm minoring in biotech already ..). One of the requirements was an internship, and I NAILED that part. Last summer, I was at Genentech working in the clean rooms in large scale production. This summer, I landed an internship at Merck working with antibodies and their effects on CHO cells. I feel like I have more lab experience than most of my peers ..
The only problem is I don't have the grades. I need a 2.0 average in the required Biotechnology classes (12 out of the many options - I had to take almost all of them for my Biology degree anyways). I got a D in ochem. The WORST grade I have ever gotten, and in such a critical class, too! I also have some C-s and currently, my GPA is just under a 2.0 in those classes /: So, even though I already did what people consider the hard part - the internship - I still may not be able to get the minor because of my grades.
I have never felt so unhappy in my life as I did these past three years. Although that's how long I've known Justin, I would be lying if I said things were just amazing in my life. He's a great aspect of my life, but even he isn't enough to deter my negative feelings. I just have been going downhill and getting worse in everything - school, taming my emotions, keeping friends, controlling my weight, etc. I just wish that there was an easy remedy for this negativity, but I'm always finding myself in a rut every now and then! I don't really know what I'm doing wrong .. I don't feel like I've been doing anything differently, although my environment has changed (I was at my "prime" in high school where I served on the ministry teams). I just wish I could be happy again ):
Sorry for the negative post, everyone. I just had to let it out /: