The other day, I told Justin I wanted to die. He didn't really respond, so I guess he didn't really understand what I meant. Maybe it was my fault trying to unload my feelings on a boy :P
I really do feel like such a failure, though. I'm in the biology program at my school, and although it shouldn't be this hard, I'm struggling in every class. I love biology - I LOVE learning all the different parts that make the world work. I love being able to explain phenomena around me. But apparently, I'm not good at showcasing this knowledge on tests /: I've been planning on applying for the Biotechnology minor (I've actually been telling people I'm minoring in biotech already ..). One of the requirements was an internship, and I NAILED that part. Last summer, I was at Genentech working in the clean rooms in large scale production. This summer, I landed an internship at Merck working with antibodies and their effects on CHO cells. I feel like I have more lab experience than most of my peers ..
The only problem is I don't have the grades. I need a 2.0 average in the required Biotechnology classes (12 out of the many options - I had to take almost all of them for my Biology degree anyways). I got a D in ochem. The WORST grade I have ever gotten, and in such a critical class, too! I also have some C-s and currently, my GPA is just under a 2.0 in those classes /: So, even though I already did what people consider the hard part - the internship - I still may not be able to get the minor because of my grades.
I have never felt so unhappy in my life as I did these past three years. Although that's how long I've known Justin, I would be lying if I said things were just amazing in my life. He's a great aspect of my life, but even he isn't enough to deter my negative feelings. I just have been going downhill and getting worse in everything - school, taming my emotions, keeping friends, controlling my weight, etc. I just wish that there was an easy remedy for this negativity, but I'm always finding myself in a rut every now and then! I don't really know what I'm doing wrong .. I don't feel like I've been doing anything differently, although my environment has changed (I was at my "prime" in high school where I served on the ministry teams). I just wish I could be happy again ):
Sorry for the negative post, everyone. I just had to let it out /:
Big big hugs Amanda! <3
ReplyDeleteIt's terrible that you're feeling so awful, but I find it comforting in a weird way that you are, if that's not really horrible of me? I think you're a really cool person with a really cool life from what I see of you - and I guess I feel less rubbish to know that you feel as bad as I do, sometimes. It's easy to see a polished version of someone's life over the internet and feel like you're just failing and no one else is struggling, and I think it's important for us to share these things, in a way. So we know we're not the only person not living our perfect life! No one is.
Sometimes over the past 4 years when I've felt terrible about things -and justifiably so - people have been like "but at least you've got someone", which frustrates me because while a good partner can make that one aspect of your life awesome, the rest doesn't fall into place automatically, and I think a lot of people act like it does. It doesn't. >_<
Grades suck. Grades don't actually demonstrate very much at all. During my last year at uni, during something I honestly truly LOVED, I got a lot of really bad grades. When I knew my stuff! It's frustrating. It's BEYOND frustrating - it's demoralising and horrible. Try not to let that get in the way of how much you love Biology! <3 I believe in you! I know you can do it :)
If you ever need to vent, you know where you can find me! For the record: you're a lovely person and I know that ultimately, you will win at life because you are awesome :) xxx
<333 Thank you for your awesome comment, Alice! I wasn't expecting anyone to actually read this whole thing lol. I definitely know what you mean about the polished version of someone's life online. I'm glad that other people can relate to me as well.
DeleteI hate when people tell me that I at least have a boyfriend! That doesn't mean anything! xD All this started at the saaammmeee time I got a bf, so obviously, that didn't deter all the negative feelings! :P
When I was doing my internships over the past summers, no one ever asked me what my GPA was. Only HR needed to know my GPA, but even then I still got accepted even though I didn't have that 4.0 or whatever it is that you "need" to get a job these days! I just wish I didn't have these bad grades so that I could get my minor ): It's still possible, but I'd have to shoot for B- and above from now on (lol, this is what college does for us - it's great to just get above a C!). I'll try not to let that get in the way! I really did enjoy my time in the labs and although I'm apparently not the best test taker, I know I enjoy it more than many other people (:
Thank you, my dearest friend <3 That was muchhhh needed reassurance! *hugs x 1000000*